Category: My weird, wonderful, insane, ranting, raving, articulating claptrap

I am bored of feeling like shit. Had an appointment today with the neurologist. That went well!

I’ve been mulling over this all afternoon. Basically I feel like I was told that it’s all in my head and because of the treatment I’ve had I should be fine and running about with no problems. I know this isn’t what he said but that’s all I feel like he said. So feeling like all the pain and problems I’m having are all made up and I don’t really have any problems.

The pain and the rest of the issues I have seem to disagree with that entirely. But I just feel like no matter what I say or do seems to fall on deaf ears. It doesn’t help that my emotions have been completely off recently too. Stress, panic attacks, anxiety and what ever else, Saturday my mum wasn’t too well so I spent all day panicking about it and her. The amount of times I ended up in tears was silly.

While I was at knitting on Sunday my sister came round to see her. Guess what? She took my mum to hospital. When I found this out the panic set in again and the tears started to flow. I was stressing and really worried about my mum.

Today I found out that she is being treated for pneumonia. No idea if it’s a chest infection that’s caused it or what. But I’m sending her loads of healing energy. I’ve also asked everywhere I can think of to send healing to. So if you’re reading this please spare a thought for my mum.

Because of everything that’s going on with my mum I feel shitty just for mentioning what I’m going through so keeping things bottled up which I know isn’t good. One good thing that came from today is the numpty neurologist decided that he was going to leave my pain medication up to the pain people. As the pain was there before the treatment he may finally believe that it’s true that I’m in pain. I’ll have to see what bull shit he decides to put in the letter when that comes through. The better thing is I finished my Koala.

I have a llama too:

I think I’m going to work on a tiger next. Or it could be a frog or something I haven’t quite decided yet. I’ll crack on with something though when I start feeling more human and less numb. And when I stop stressing about what the muppet of a neurologist thinks. I may not know how things feel properly anymore like emotions or anything else but I know when I’m in pain and feel like shit. So when I’m starting to feel normal again I’ll do something else.

Big it up, your opinion is the only one that matters and screw what everyone else thinks.

Love and light.

Words have power. They can make you feel amazing, make you feel awful, make you feel high, make you feel low. There a words you like and words you hate. Just think about how words make you feel and make other people feel.

At some point someone will have said something to you that has cut straight to your core. These words will have made you feel small, worthless and that there is no point to your existence. There will also have been times where someone has said something to you that has made you feel absolutely amazing and lifted you so much that you feel nothing can bring you down.

I feel that as we are all one whether LGBT+, straight, black, white, sky blue pink with yellow dots, spiritualist, Christian, Jewish, Muslim or what ever we should all choose our words carefully and think about how they could make other people feel. Pick the right words, the nice words, the ones that pick people up and make them feel great. I think this is the best use of everyone’s power.

There is something going on at the moment where some people think that political correctness has gone mad. That you can’t say this or can’t say that for fear of offending someone somewhere. It is not political correctness it’s just being a nice person. We should all try to be nice people. If you say something and someone pulls you up because it’s offensive to someone else, look at it as a learning experience. Apologies, take the message on board, take it to heart and try not to make the mistake again.

Again, it’s not political correctness it’s being nice.

Back to words you love and words you hate. There are a few words I like, popadom, I really like this word. It just feels like a fun word to say and has a fun sound to it. One of the words I hate and it really annoys me is pupdates. It’s on one of the adverts about sponsoring guide dogs for the blind. I have no objection to helping support blind people and sponsoring guide dogs. It’s just that one word that irritates me and makes me feel annoyed. I have no idea why it annoys me but it just does. Maybe it’s a deep down thing that I’d love a support dog, I don’t know but could be that.

There are some people that hate the word moist, it’s one that doesn’t bother me. I find it a useful descriptive word, admittedly it’s not one I use regularly but I use it every now and then. But like I said earlier there are words I love and words I hate. We should all try to use nice words, amazing, brilliant, awesome. If you just put you are ……………….. in front of them, think how good it could make someone feel or how good it could make you feel. Be nice and just big someone else up. The more people that feel good the better. If everyone feels good it would start to destroy the hate and fear and bring in the love and the light.

Something else I saw this morning while reading the news. It was an article about protests at schools in Birmingham. People are protesting because children are being taught that it’s ok to be LGBT+. The program of lessons is called No Outsiders. One thing that I found really annoying or distressing was there was a picture of someone holding up a sign that said “we’re not homophobic people”. They are trying to say they aren’t homophobic while protesting about LGBT+ things being taught. Protesting about LGBT+ themed lessons is in its self homophobic.

No outsiders is an amazing project and is being received warmly in the rest of the country. It’s teaching kids that it’s ok to be different. It is OK. Teaching people especially kids that difference is good and ok will bring everyone together and will remove hate and division. It may take a while but the message will get through.

Religion seems to be the root cause of hate and division. This is because it’s spent so much time and energy saying that difference is wrong and should not be accepted. This has led to some areas of society taking it away from religion and into the mainstream. And trying to force their deluded ways and beliefs on to everyone else. This is where the yobs, hate groups and the far right have come from. The devision they have caused and are continuing to cause with hate is just wrong. Like the brexit situation at the moment. Lead by people saying that working together for the betterment of people is wrong. Working together is the only way things will get better. By working together it will stop wars, and stop devision. If you think about it, it really is the best way to go. Religions have got it wrong. Everyone comes from the same place and are equal. Difference is not wrong, equality is good and working together will bring good things and we’ll be able to reap the rewards.

Anyway enough of my inane ramblings for now. Peace out. And I’ll leave you all with blessings of love and light.

Well not quite. I’m neither god or a DJ no matter how much hoping I do. I have found something else to focus on though. I’ve been sorting the music out for the spiritualist church. It’s been quite fun. I’ve only been involved in 2 services but they’ve been good.

It’s given me a different view of the services. I see the medium that’s on up close. So it’s helping with the clairvoyance. I’m seeing the energy link that the medium has with the person getting the message and the spirit giving the information. With practice I’ll be seeing the spirit person. That will come with the help of my guides and in time. I can see them in my head when using my third eye but not physically. It will come though.

I’ve also been having fun with the music and organising it, converting it and updating it. I’m getting them to become mp3s. So been learning how to do that.

Anxiety has been shit this last week. Hitting again and again and again. There have been times I knew the cause and most of the time I’ve had no idea what’s caused it. Some of the fears and reasons I’ve been able to talk through with other people so that’s helped ease my mind with them.

I’m still dreading the next appointment with the neurologist. I think the whole family are planning on going. I just have no idea how it’s going to go. I think everyone else is going to be there to tell the neurologist where to go and give him hell and back me up. Well I hope that’s what’s going to happen anyway.

Crystal balls, no idea why but one really attracted to crystal spheres at the moment, I just want loads and loads and loads of them. i just was to add to my collection. I have updated my carry round stones though. I’m carrying:

Golden Healer

Labradorite

Angel Aura Quartz

Lepidolite

And I got my bracelets too. Black tourmaline, sunstone, morganite, amethyst and citrine.

I did a full chakra balancing layout the other day and that was cool l. It’s been a while since I did one of those. Felt the benefit straight away. Always good when that happens.

Had an online meeting today with other ms people that are doing the same as me. That was good and useful. And will help me with the things I have to do.

Anyway Love and Light

As most of you know by now my anxiety has been completely off recently. Tonight I was at the spiritualist church for the service. In the middle of the service while getting a message from the medium there was an almighty crash sound. It was so clear and loud. The best way to describe it was if you imagine the sound effect they use in films for crash, that was what it sounded like.

When this happened the medium stopped the message. The service ground to a halt for a little bit. While this was happened a couple of people rushed outside to see what had happened and to offer help. During the silence it started. I started shaking, panicking and crying and just had no idea what was happening. While shaking, panicking and crying I managed to leave the room.

I made it into the social room and I just couldn’t control myself. I started a complete and utter break down. Someone did come to check on me which was nice. The service carried on without me which is what you’d expect. Why should something stop just because of me? It shouldn’t.

I was in the social room while the service wrapped up. I heard them singing the last hymn and and having the last prayer. Then people started to come in the social room or go home. I still wasn’t right but was trying to put a brave face on it. It didn’t work. People caring and asking if I was ok set me off again. So at this point Liz and Pam took me back in the church to sit down and help me. They gave me some healing too which helped. I eventually started to feel better and calm down. So sent my mum a message to come and collect me. Which she did and she always helps me feel better and calmer.

Just before the service I decided to put out some of the crystals I had. Just laid them on the chair between me and Mandy. During the service we just pick a crystal up at random and just played with it in our hands feeling the energy of the crystal and the service. The strange thing that happened here was just before the noise of the accident Mandy picked up the lepidolite mini palm and started playing with that. What’s weird about it is that is a go to crystal for anxiety and panic attacks. Not sure if it was the spirits around us that drew her to that stone or what but I think it helped her loads.

The other things that have been going on during the week is knitting done a fair bit of that. I finished the second alpaca/lama. That looked cool and the person it was for (birthday gift) loved it and carried it round for the night of her party. Her party was a fancy dress do that I wasn’t really invited to but I hate crashed and had my mum and dad with me. I said it was a fancy dress party so I had a play with me make up and did this:

Messes up the side of my face and let my hair flow free. It gets curly if I don’t do anything after getting it wet. It just goes wild. So thought over all that it looked ok. I had to do my mums make up too. I don’t really think that went too well but have a look and see what you think. She was a pirate by the way, I messed up her hair with a bit of coconut oil and some hair putty and did some eyeliner and eye shadow. My dad looked cool too,

My sis on the other hand did Call the midwife and my nephew went as cup head. I painted his face. I have no idea what cup head is but that’s what he wanted so that’s what he got.

Anyway, please spare a thought for my healing tree and send out some love and light to it and the people on it.

Love and light all.

Some may love, some may not. This heat is killing me. It’s setting off all of my symptoms and some of them haven’t be pretty great recently either. The heat has made them worse.

Fans and air conditioner have been working over time. Just trying to keep me cool and comfortable. Oh to be cold I’d love it at the moment. Not being able to control my body temperature makes the weather like this even harder to deal with. I constantly feel warm as it is and have fans and air conditioning running in winter with my window wide open.

You know that thing people used to say about not wearing your coat inside or you won’t feel the benefit outside? It’s a bit like that for me at the moment. As I had the cold stuff working in the winter, now it’s warmed up it isn’t working as well to keep me cool.

It’s that awful feeling of your face sweating, your body feeling all manky and clammy and the heat making it hard to breath. It’s like that feeling when you go abroad to somewhere hot and the plane doors open and the heat hits you smack in the face and it takes your breath away. That’s what I feel like when I leave my bedroom or just leave the house.

Anyway enough of moaning about the heat (I hate it if you hadn’t of guessed). It’s time to talk about the other things I’ve been up to this week. I finished my alpaca, I think I mentioned that though. My sister is making me make her one now. Then my nephew will start pestering me for one or someone else in the family will.

I did start knitting a hand puppet but that’s had to go on the back burner while I the other alpaca has taken over. Tuesday night I went to the spiritualist church. I didn’t get a reading but I had some healing before the service. That’s always nice. I missed out on a gong bath on Wednesday because my mum was out and everyone else who’d take me and keep me company was busy. I finished the MS Society newsletter and that’s gone to print so just need to find the envelopes and figure out how to print the labels. That’s when it all arrives. The leaflet I had done have been printed and they’re starting to make their way around.

On Thursday I was at the hospital for my monthly blood test. It really hurt when the needle went in. My mum also wanted a word with the MS Nurse about the fact things have really flared up for me and about the shaking and emotions and the rest. She couldn’t really do much and said the pain clinic was the best place to get some help so we’re just waiting on them now.

Mum, Dad and Katie have all decided they are coming to the next appointment with the neurologist. The thought of that appointment scares me shitless. I just feel he doesn’t believe me about anything that I’m going through. He wants me walking everywhere and off all the pain killers. Things are bad enough as they are now being off them would be murder. The way he is makes me want to break bother his legs with my walking stick and tell him to get up and walk it off. That’s what I feel he’s doing with me. And that’s why I’m dreading the appointment.

I can’t remember doing anything on Friday. I may have done some knitting but if I did anything else it must have been extremely memorable. Yesterday did nowt during the day but had development group in the evening. I was given the task of coming up with something to build up the energy. So I took loads of crystals and had people sending energy through them to the centre of the circle. I also took my singing bowls and was sat if the floor playing them. Everyone that took part in the development group said it was great and they all felt the energy building. I also used the bowls during the mediumship session in the group. This really helped everyone get in tune and helped them work. It’s even been making me look and consider getting a new singing bowl.

The service was good too. The lady that was doing it came to me and gave me a message. Not saying what it was as it was for me. It really rang true for me.

During the group and the service it was roasting. Again I was really struggling with the heat. People even noticed how badly it was affecting me. On the way home I got my kebab. Got home ate that and went to my room to try and cools down. That’s about it.

I hope you’re all enjoying the weather and having a great chocolate weekend.

Love and light.

This shaking, jerking and juddering is starting to get on my wick now. I know I can’t control it but I’d love it to stop. There are times when the jerking is that bad I can’t do something simple like look at my phone. My arms and body are jerking so I can’t see what’s on my phone.

The jerking in my legs is the most annoying thing. My legs just bounce up and down at high speed. Because I feel that it’s the most obvious thing it annoys me and think people judge me when it’s happening.

The most uncomfortable jerking is when it happen around my belly. All of a sudden it feels like someone has punched me in the gut or like I’ve done a million sit ups. It feels painful and uncomfortable.

All of my muscles feel like they are getting over cramp. It really gets on my tits. I think all the jerking is making the fatigue worse which in turn is making the jerking worse. Just sitting trying to relax is hard work. The focus and concentration it takes to try and control my body is shattering.

When sitting in bed trying to relax before sleep is hard work because the jerking happens. Arms, legs, belly, neck, head. You name it it jerks, judders and shakes.

I have managed to finish my alpaca though.

It’s so cute. Down side is though that I now have to make two more. It’s should be right though. I just need to get my knitting head on and get down to it.

Love and light

This shaking, jerking and juddering is starting to get on my wick now. I know I can’t control it but I’d love it to stop. There are times when the jerking is that bad I can’t do something simple like look at my phone. My arms and body are jerking so I can’t see what’s on my phone.

The jerking in my legs is the most annoying thing. My legs just bounce up and down at high speed. Because I feel that it’s the most obvious thing it annoys me and think people judge me when it’s happening.

The most uncomfortable jerking is when it happen around my belly. All of a sudden it feels like someone has punched me in the gut or like I’ve done a million sit ups. It feels painful and uncomfortable.

All of my muscles feel like they are getting over cramp. It really gets on my tits. I think all the jerking is making the fatigue worse which in turn is making the jerking worse. Just sitting trying to relax is hard work. The focus and concentration it takes to try and control my body is shattering.

When sitting in bed trying to relax before sleep is hard work because the jerking happens. Arms, legs, belly, neck, head. You name it it jerks, judders and shakes.

I have managed to finish my alpaca though.

It’s so cute. Down side is though that I now have to make two more. It’s should be right though. I just need to get my knitting head on and get down to it.

The sticks and stones may break my bones advert upsets me. Yes the information we currently give to victims of bullying needs updating but we also need to stop bullying in the first place.

Why do we still put up with it? It’s just wrong. Picking on others because of a difference that in most cases is minute and doesn’t matter needs to stop.

I think one of the main issues here is that with the current political climate this behaviour has been given the green light. The message that seems to be coming out at the moment is that any difference and non conformity is wrong and should be punished.

What so many fail to realise is that it is these differences that have made us what we are. We should be embracing difference not repelling it.

On this not I’ve seen something else online recently that has wound me up. People have been sharing a petition about the changes to the law in Brunei and how they have made being gay a crime punishable by stoning. The is a difference that here many people have accepted. Being gay is not a crime. Do I feel I should be locked up and stoned to death, Hell no neither should my friends. Some of the people that are sharing this petition are also sharing another petition about stopping LGBT+ issues being taught in schools. And are also the same people saying difference is wrong.

Make up you fecking mind! Do you want difference or not or do you only want to accept some differences? You can’t say you accept and support LGBT+ people and then reject parts of them or some of the problems they face.

The other thing is with this whole brexit bollocks. Personally I feel it’s wrong and should be stopped. Others would disagree and think that leaving is the best course of action. The difference of opinion here is what has caused the issues we have at the moment. Some want to stay and some want to go. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on the matter even if it isn’t the same opinion as my own. I feel politicians here have a very hard job to do and they are trying to please everyone. I think what they should do is do what’s best for the country not what everyone wants. This may be against what the public are telling them to do but if it’s the best thing does it really matter?

It’s like going to a hospital for surgery to have your appendix taken out. You say that you don’t want an operation but the surgeon saying you need to have it removed as it has burst and if it’s not removed it will kill you. You’re still saying no but the surgeons, hospital staff, doctors, nurses and your family are saying have it done. Which option is right. The one that will kill you because that’s the option you’ve chosen or the one that everyone is saying is the best. Have the operation and just get on with things.

It’s times like this we all need to come together, work together, achieve together and celebrate together. By working together we will achieve so much more than working alone. If you want to make something better where is the best place to be and make suggestions? Outside in the rain looking through the window or inside and involved in the discussion? If you didn’t guess the right option is inside involved in the discussion.

But coming together is really the only way forward and out of the mess we’re facing and stuck in the middle of. Reach out and make a connection to a friend, loved one or neighbour and do it from a place of love and not expecting to get anything out of it except love and mutual respect for each other.

That’s enough about that and time to bore you all with the things I’ve been up to this week. Well I’ve had lots of pain, had the shakes too. The shakes are great help when brushing your teeth but crap when it comes to shaving. It’s got to the point now pain wise that I’m taking tramadol on a regular basis (as in every 4 hours). The GP suggested taking that rather than looking at my other medication. I have an appointment with the pain team later in the week so we’ll see how that goes. I’ve nearly finished knitting my alpaca. That’s going to look awesome when it’s done. I’ll put up picture when I’ve finished it. Anxiety attack wise I’ve had a couple of those this week too. I even had one a knitting yesterday. That was because there were to many people round me. But the lovely ladies in the group helped me out and get it together again. The one this morning was due to my dad accidentally smashing a plate. Wasn’t done on purpose and was completely accidental but scared me senseless and I just froze and started to cry. As it was a quick and unexpected thing it hit straight away and didn’t have time to build. If I’d of felt it building I would have been able to calm down and stop it but I couldn’t this time. It had to run its course.

There will have been other stuff too but I just can’t remember it. Party hard and big up life.

Love and light.

Well I can safely say it’s been a crap week. Pain and anxiety have been completely off this week. I’ve spent most of the week in agony and high as a kite on tramadol. Even though I haven’t been feeling the good high. I’ve no idea if it’s that or something else that’s been setting off my anxiety. There have been a fair few panic/anxiety attacks this week. I haven’t been able to pin down what it is that’s been causing them. All of a sudden it starts to build and I can feel it building. It’s crap because I know what’s coming next. Sometimes I can stop it but most of the time I can’t.

When I can’t stop it it’s goes all out and hell for leather to a full on anxiety attack. I don’t know what causes it or what it is that has scared me or anything it just happens. I then go into full on breakdown and start to curl up in a corner.

One thing I know I can’t stand is other people arguing. I know that will start the troubles. If arguments happen near me I have to go and hide. If I know something is going to happen I get out of the way as quickly as I can then I don’t have to face it. If I have to be involved in a disagreement I have to build my self up for it but it still takes its toll on me.

I know reiki has been a godsend for me this last week though. I have been blasting myself with it quite a bit. I’ve been feeling sick a lot this week too. It’s been happening when I’m hungry or when I’ve eaten. If it’s a simple meal or a complex one I can’t escape it. The reiki has been helping with the pain a bit though which is good. Karuna has been mixed in there too and something new that came to me a week or two ago I called it Source energy that’s nice to use as well. I know I need to do some more work with that and I will do. I just need the pain and sick feeling to give me a break for a bit and the anxiety needs to bugger off for a bit to.

What have I been up to for the last week besides hiding, crying and being scared? Well there has been knitting, I’m still working on my alpaca. I haven’t done any crochet. I’ve been playing with energy healing and crystals. What else? I’ve been to the spiritualist church a couple of time and that’s nice with some great people. I can’t think of anything else.

Anyway love and light.

Why the hell do I have to have a complete and utter break down over something completely stupid.

I’ve lost part of my tragus earring. The crystal bit. I had an itchy ear so I scratched it and the bar bit of my earring came away in my hand. I started huffing and puffing while searching. I had the pillows off my bed, I shook out the sheets. I pulled the mattress and bed away from the wall. I was searching high and low for the missing part of my earring.

While huffing a puffing and halfway between the bed and the wall I started crying. So my eyes full of tears I couldn’t see what I was looking for. I was so stressed and worked up. Part of my brain was saying how stupid this was but the other half couldn’t stop worrying and stressing about it.

I sent my mum a message saying help, I didn’t get a reply so I called her. So if you imagine me stressed out, crying, huffing and puffing and pinned between the bed and the wall not being able to function. I must have made quite a vision.

So my mum came into my room. Found me, and asked what was wrong. I was in such a state I could t speak. All I could do was point to my ear, well my missing earring.

It took me a while but I eventually managed to calm down a bit and tell her what had happened. She managed to calm me down and get me to understand how silly it was to get worked up over something so small.

I knew it was stupid but I just couldn’t stop worrying. My mum said we will have a proper look tomorrow morning when we could see clearly. If we can’t find the missing part tomorrow we will get another one. It makes sense.

Now I’m just taking relaxing breaths and watching a comedy on tv.

Love and light