Category: My weird, wonderful, insane, ranting, raving, articulating claptrap

I’m feeling like crap at the moment. There are so many things that just aren’t helping me.

I’ve been in agony for a while now. The other day was a tramadol day. The pain was that bad I needed something to help. It doesn’t do much but helps a little. I’ve even had to have some more today. This constant pain thing is a right pain in the arse (not literally, that’s one of the only places that doesn’t hurt).

I got a letter the other day from the benefit people. That scared me shitless. The letter had the wrong amount on it. My mum had to explain that it was wrong. I still didn’t believe her and I made her ring up to check. I hate being completely confused by stuff like that. I have to get someone to explain it to me. And when there is a small mistake like that it sends me off in all of a dither and makes me panic something chronic.

There have been other things that have set me off recently too. The news has been a big one. That Begum girl or whatever/whoever she is. I seem to be seeing so much stuff on Facebook about her it’s annoying. My feeling is that she should be brought back, her child taken away and put in care and she should go on trial for treason, sedition and terrorism. I know loads of people don’t want her back in the country and that’s fine it’s their opinion. Everyone is entitled to have one.

The other thing on the news was something about benefits. I know it probably won’t affect me but things like that make me panic. Partly because I don’t understand it and partly because it’s them I’m living off at the moment. It adds stress and confusion and makes me feel worse.

Eating. Why does eating have to be painful I like spicy food but recently it has been painful to eat. It makes my mouth extremely sore. We had Fajitas for tea tonight. They tasted amazing but yet were painful to eat I think this is down to the spices. It’s the o my thing I can think of.

I’ve also had a general feeling of nausea. No idea where that has come from. No sure if it’s being hungry, being full or if it’s being caused by something else entirely. I just don’t know and again. This adds to the feelings, stress and pain. It’s a viscous circle that I’m stuck in. Because of feeling rough I didn’t eat tea the other day.

One good thing that has happened this week though is that I went to a gong bath on Wednesday evening. It was amazing. And for the first time I’m a long time I actually felt good. I was buzzing and had a really nice feeling. I just wish that feeling stayed and was still here. If you e never been to a gong bath basically you lie on the floor or mat/air bed or something else to be comfortable. You relax and close your eyes and people play gongs. It sounds weird and it is a bit but it’s so relaxing and healing. You can take yourself through a meditation or you can just go wherever it takes you.

The people that do it are really nice as well. They are called Ondray and Graham. If you are interested here is a link to their site. They offer some amazing therapies:

http://www.ondray.co.uk

I’ve been to a couple of their gong baths before and I’ve always had a great time.

Anyway let’s leave it there on a positive note.

Love and light

Why does it hurt so much.

Pain in my legs

Pain in my arms

Pain in my back

Pain throughout my body

Why do I have to go through it? Why do I have to live with it? Why oh why oh why.

It gets me down. It makes me tired.

It’s hard to deal with day in day out.

It’s there all the time and nothing seems to help.

Deep breaths don’t help, nothing takes the edge off.

Drugs don’t work, meditation doesn’t help, distraction doesn’t work all the time.

I just don’t know what to do.

I would love to go sometime without it. It’s becoming an old friend I just can’t seem to get rid of. It’s one I’d love to show the door. It doesn’t look like it will happen anytime soon though.

To say the pain is in my head makes it hard to explain. But that’s where it is. The damage that’s causing the pain is in my head. Well in my brain, in particular the nerves. That’s what is damaged and causing the pain that’s everywhere.

Normally you don’t want to go without anything but this is something I’d love to go without. Just to get rid. Even for a short time I’d love that but I don’t know how. It’s hard to deal with. It’s there all the time, sometimes it’s easy to dea with and sometimes it’s not. Dealing with chronic pain that’s there all the time is not the easiest of things. I’m not the only one that’s fighting and invisible battle. There are many people all over the world that are fighting right along with me. All our battles are slightly different but going to war everyday takes its toll.

There are others that fight battles, maybe with mental health issues like depression or anxiety. Some battles can be seen and some can’t. I think the moral of this is that you have no idea what other people are going through so be nice and give everyone support and compassion. Just to do that would make people’s suffering less and maybe it will help them out of the dark place of pain, depression or anxiety.

All the love and compassion and light to everyone.

Wow what a weekend I’ve had. I didn’t really do much on Friday. Just the normal stuff really. Got up, went to knitting club, came home had tea and went to bed. So nothing really exciting for that day.

Saturday on the other hand was a bit more entertaining. Did the usual stuff during the day. Then went to development group on Saturday evening. That’s were things started to get interesting. During the session I had to give someone a reading. That went really well and was accurate. After that session was the service. I ended up being a medium for the night and I was in the platform. The service went really well.

I was a bit nervous to start off with. But, I managed to hold it together and do what needed to be done. I have found though that Woking with spirit tends to help me a lot. It calms me down and helps me along the way. They didn’t help with the pain in my legs though, but oh well. I got some really nice feedback from people afterwards though and that helped boost me up a bit.

I’m nervous as hell though about tomorrow. I have a session with a pain physiotherapist. I’m not really looking forward to it as I think and partly know deep down that it is gonna cause me pain.

Fear is a mighty motivator for my anxiety. It makes me worry and panic. I hate it. All I hope though is that it’s not too bad tomorrow.

Love and light everyone.

Well I have no idea why but I wrote a poem. Please have a read and don’t be to harsh with me. Anyway here goes. The poem is called Depression. And by the way I’m not depressed at the moment well not too badly anyway:

Depression

The pain I feel deep down inside must never be mentioned and must hide. To talk about it is seen as wrong and that is wrong within itself.

You must not talk or speak it’s name for fear it would bring you shame. Shame must not be felt and strength from others will bring you help.

The darkness and stigma must be broken before the light can shine bright. The pain inside feels like all that is, it’s hard to fight and find the light. It’s in there somewhere dim and shadowed find it we must to disperse the pain.

Help from others is all around even though you feel like it can’t be found. Take that step and speak a word. Someone’s out there and you can be heard. They’ll lend a hand and give you strength. They’ll help you through and out of the pit.

The more you speak will make the stigma fall and fall it must before we can move on. Lend a hand and help those in need. Just by being there is an amazing deed. Deep down in darkness and through the void the light from others can help you find the path.

It may be long or it may be short but that path is there for us to tread. Follow it with pride and hold you head high, leave the void behind and no longer hide. Shine bright star light and help others along. Banish the darkness and end the stigma and please oh please remember it’s not a wall that can be stepped over it’s something we get lost it and YOU!!!! make us hide.

If we knew the way out there would be no issue don’t just stand there and handout a tissue. We need help and we need strength. Hand that out instead and don’t be dense. Be a nice person that’s all we ask. Bring in the light and get out of the past.

With love and compassion scars will be healed. We just need that bit more. Be nice an and not emotional whore. To learn how we feel you need but ask. To find the way out is what we need and not to be told we’re bringing you down. If that’s how you feel you really should go. You’re probably the reason we’re here in the first place. We banish you now from our lives begone you fiend and take the shit you brought with you.

We don’t need that and we don’t need you bye bye now dear and above all fuck you!

This stone has an amazing appearance. One of the first things you will think when you hear the name is that Doris Day Song, Que Sera Sera. That’s what it does it helps you accept what is. It also looks like it’s full of galaxies it helps with astral projection, so you can travel to the stars. It will help you communicate with beings on a higher but grounded spiritual level.

This stone is connected with the 3rd eye and throat chakra, it will help energise and awaken them. It will help improve visualisation abilities. And can be used to treat the eyes both physically and spiritually. It has a very high vibration so can work throughout your energy field, in the aura and on the body. The crystal will help bring the energy through all the layers of your being and anchor it where it’s needed. It will aid in accepting things fully on all levels not just the face.

The rare stone of the heart. It’s found in Africa in Namibia. Nzuri Moyo is a Swahili word that literally means Good Heart.

That’s what this stone is all about. Working on your heart. It’s amazing for working on nervousness and unstable emotions. It can be used to help accept the things that are going on around you. The things that can sometimes feel uncomfortable, out of the ordinary or even awkward. It will help you accept, learn from and deal with the new energies and feelings. It can also help you to expand your spiritual abilities and focus on working with spirit. This stone will help you focus on the good things in life helping you to ignore and dismiss the negative. It will help you feel love and positivity in any relationship.

If you would like to feel love on all levels for yourself, others and everything else this is the stone for you. If you meditate with this stone it will help facilitate the learning and grounding of love and positivity in any situation. It is one of the ultimate stones of the heart chakra as it contains both colours and vibrations of the heart.

3rd eye. This stone is amazing for the 3rd eye. It will help you connect to the spirit world. It will open, clear and balance the 3rd eye chakra. This stone has a rather strong energy and can pull the 3rd eye energy down through the rest of the chakra system. It can also help you see the root cause of any issues within the energy systems of the body. So if someone has a headache it will show you if it’s been caused by a sinus issue or if it’s because there is a blockage in an energy meridian.

This crystal will help you to live your truth with the help of the highest love and light. It will help show you the path you’re on and where it may lead so you may see any possible issues before you get to them and can prepare a coping technique for when you get there.

This is a great stone of the heart and it’s also the birthstone for May. This stone has been used as a symbol of love for a long time. People for centuries having been giving this stone to their loved one. It enhances the feelings of love between people. It can also be used to encourage teamwork and cooperation between groups of people. Especially if there are people in that group that don’t always get along. This stone can help people find common ground from where they can build an amazing relationship (it doesn’t always have to be romantic).

Working with this stone on the heart chakra can help open, clear and balance it. This stone has a very gentle but strong energy. It will build slowly, it’s a bit like how drops of water will wear their way through rocks to make a cave.

This is a pretty normal looking stone. But it holds power. This stone can help you get back to your roots. It will help find your true being and return to the state of perfection. This stone is great for past life work. It will help you get to the point where something happened that needs to be healed. If you used this crystal under your pillow it will help you dream of times gone by. But in a way it’s a bit like a TARDIS it will help you travel in time.

This stone connects with the earth star chakra and base chakra and will help with grounding. It can can make sure your feet are firmly on the ground. If used in meditation this stone can take you very very deep to the places you sometimes don’t want to go within yourself. It will take you to these places so you can see the parts that make up the whole and where healing is needed. This crystal can help remove Karmic debris from your energy body.

This stone is often confused with Astrophyllite it’s mainly because they look similar and normally come from the same place. Arfvedsonite normally has blue or silver flashes where Astrophyllite has golden ones. They both look cool though.

Arfvedsonite is a stone associated with the higher chakras. It’s a great stone for manifestation and grounding the higher energies. It’s a great stone to help you connect with your guides and bring the lessons you’ve learnt into your life for better understanding. If use in meditation it can take you on some strange but powerful journeys. It will help you get to the centre of any issues you ask for help with during meditation. It’s also a great stone for communication. It will help you communicate clearly with your spirit guides and also help you communicate effectively on this level to. If you want to see beyond what is this stone can work wonders on your 3rd eye.