Category: My weird, wonderful, insane, ranting, raving, articulating claptrap

It’s crap when you aren’t believed. But that’s what I’m facing at the moment. You may or may not know that I had an appointment with the neurologist last week. I think I mentioned it on here but I can’t remember.

Had the appointment last week. Ended up going in my wheelchair. Let just say it was a painful day. During the appointment I talked about the pain I had and get and where it is and affects. He basically told me I shouldn’t be in a wheelchair and that he wants me to come off the medication. He wants me to move more and exercise, lose weight and join a gym. He said there were other people that have had the treatment and are know for and back to normal.

So basically he didn’t believe a word I said. My mum also mentioned that I have started knitting. He didn’t like that one bit. He said so it’s more sitting around. He also said that the medication could be causing the issues I’m having. Pain Killer causing pain? Really?

Just to point out I use my wheelchair when I’m in pain or when I need to move distance and walking like that far would aggravate the pain that already there. I am in pain most of the time which is hard enough to deal with but there are times when I can and do push myself and times when I can’t push myself or deal with the pain and it gets more intense.

So with the help of my mum when it can to do my pills I decided to follow the instruction from him. We reduced the gabapentin. That lasted all of 3 days. The pain I was in got worse and worse and worse until agony set in and the pain became unbearable. So I think it’s safe to say that gabapentin is doing something. It could do more but hey ho. He did say one thing that made sense though, he said I would have to deal with some amount of pain. I thought that was fair enough and it makes sense.

The letter arrived this morning with the information of the appointment and next steps and all that crap. This is written proof that he didn’t believe a single word I said. It’s tempting to run over him in my wheelchair and beat him with my walking stick and then tell him to walk it off and man up. You’ll have to deal with some pain. Arsehole!

Yesterday was a crap day too. The medication has gone back up. Our choice not his. Bug last night I had to sit down on the stairs. I made it up about 3 steps and the pain just got too much, so I had to stop. I had to rest and sit there for about 10 minutes.

As it’s nerve pain there are only some painkillers that work. Cocodamol and ibuprofen wouldn’t do anything they’re for normal pain and not nerve pain. If that makes any sense. Tramadol don’t touch it but they have spaced me out in the past which I’m a way can help.

Now I’m not so sure what to do. Go into agony and move more and reduce my meds or stick with things as I am and have a word with my GP. Not sure. I know I don’t want to be in pain all the time or even agony.

I’ve also been getting annoyed by other people too recently. The ones that seem to have an issue with absolutely everything and always want things that are wrong because they don’t agree with it. Like they want an essay on a poster that people would never look at if it’s too wordy. And when you try to tell them they throw their toys out of the pram and say they wouldn’t do anything then.

Anyway, screw him (the neurologist) the people that cause problems for the sake of it and above all fuck you MS.

Love and light.

Why is anxiety such a bastard?

Been feeling off for over a week now. It started with fireworks. I hate them and I don’t think they are safe for people, especially kids, to have. I signed a petition earlier in the week to get them banned for sale to the general public. Heres hoping that something comes from that. I’m just glad things have calmed down with them now.

Having to wear ear plugs when you go out, what’s that all about? I’m sure other people don’t have to.

The other thing is I think and feel that fireworks affect and change the normal energy that floats about. I don’t think it changes it for the better. It sends it all off and makes everything feel wrong. It’s like something bad is gonna happen. I don’t think the anxiety helps with that. If anything it makes it worse.

Today’s issue with anxiety comes from an appointment I have at the hospital tomorrow. It’s with the neurologist. I’m not looking forward to it and I’m scared he’ll tell me off. He did last time. He told me off for being in my wheelchair. My mum and dad said that if I’m in pain tomorrow I can use it. I’m not sure if I will or not, even if I am in pain. I’m sure they aren’t supposed to make you feel bad. I think it’s an in written rule or something, not sure though. Part of me thinks that if I am in my chair and he tries anything tomorrow I’ll just tell him to piss off. Not sure that will happen though. I just hope the anxiety does take my voice. I hate it when that happens.

I know what I want to say but can’t get the words out. I struggle to say anything. Most of the time I have to force words out. That’s if I can get them out.

Have to say though using this blog has become a bit of a life saver though. Just being able to say how I feel and what’s going on, sometimes it’s boring crap, sometimes it’s amazing. Other times I just talk about knitting or crochet.

Speaking of crochet I’ve made a snood for myself. That was quick and fun. And I used up some of the wool I’ve had for a while. At the moment I’m working on a blanket for my mum. It’s different from the last one I did. I started it the same but then today I decided to unravel it and start again. This one is going to be massive. Only done a couple of rows so far but it’s growing.

I’m feeling a bit better now after talking about my issues. Thank you.

Here’s hoping things aren’t as bad as I’m expecting tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Love and light all.

Well got some bad news today. The world has lost a great person. A friend I made recently is no longer here. She has passed.

Her name was Marilyn. I met her through the local branch of the MS society. I helped her with technical stuff and getting documents uploaded to a website. I feel I made a really good friend in her and I really will miss her.

It happened so quickly, I saw her a couple of days ago and she was fine then. At least I know she won’t be suffering anymore. It seems stupid to say that she’s in a better place now but I know she is and I know she can come back for a chat if she wants to so that’s a good thing I suppose. It’s just the feeling of loss.

It’s the first time I’ve lost a friend. I’ve lost family members in the past but never someone I class as a friend. The feeling of loss is hard to deal with. It’s like there is a massive hole now. I’m trying to fill it with love, light and reiki. I’ll also be send reiki to Marilyn to help her on her journey.

It’s hard, I feel numb and don’t really know what to do with myself. I’m talking to friends and my family but I’m not sure how I feel. Do I feel sad? Do I feel something else. I just don’t know. I know my mum is being supportive though.

I’m also going to propose something at the next MS team meeting. I know that will help and my mum thinks it’s a good idea. If it works it will be great and it will make me feel better.

Anyway, hope everyone’s good and all is going well for you.

Love and light.

It feels like it’s been forever since I posted anything. That’s because I couldn’t decide on anything to write about.

I’m still doing my knitting. I finished the neck tube, scarf, snood thing for my nephew. He likes it and seems to be wearing it a lot. That’s good. I started working on a beanie for my self at weekend. First time using circular needles. It was a bit complicated but got there and I’m just knitting along with that. I’ve also made loads of baby hats and cord ties. Have to do the bobbles for the hats which won’t take long.

Thieves. These are awful creatures. An old Instagram account I had seems to have been taken over by someone else. No idea how. Instagram has been crap helping as well. Messaged them through Facebook had no reply, messages them through Instagram and had no reply. I’ve reported the old account about 5 times and nothing has been done. Now I keep getting emails from Instagram about verifying an account, because I can’t get into it I can’t do it. These emails also now seem to be coming through in various languages. So I have no idea what to do about it. It was stressing me out and annoying me.

When it comes to crystals I’ve been getting giddy again with them. This time it’s been Luna Quartz, Luna rose and selenite. I nearly now have enough selenite to build a house. That wouldn’t work though it dissolves in water. I’ve decided though that I’m going to grid my room and maybe go as far as putting some over some of the doors in the house. I haven’t decided yet though. I know I need to do some more work with my crystals and some more psychic work too. It feels like forever since I’ve done that.

Here are some pictures of my knitting and crystals:

Love and light.

There is an advert on TV at the moment and it really annoys me.

“My mums not so mobile anymore so I told her to stop collecting her repeat prescription”.

Don’t know if you’ve seen the advert or not but every time I see it, it winds me up.

If it’s a repeat prescription it’s more than likely something that the person that has been prescribed the medication needs, maybe even to live. I realise that it’s only being said to advertise the service on offer, but there really has to be a better way to do it. I just hope that people don’t look at is as an excuse to stop getting prescriptions for others or even themselves.

Sadly in this day and age there are too many stupid people out there that would just stop. I was having a conversation the other day with my mum and dad saying it’s getting to the point that everything dangerous will have to be fenced off soon. Like the edges of cliffs or deep water or something. It’s because some people are that stupid that they need safety things like that to stop them walking off cliffs because there isn’t a fence.

I don’t know why people have lost all ability to see danger and not get to close. It’s common sense for god sake. Everyone has it, it’s just some refuse to use it.

Anyway, enough ranting. I’ve spent the last few days knitting. I made a tiny hat. But think it’s a bit too small for what I need them for so I’m in the process of making another one.

I joined a local knitting group and there are a lot of really nice people in there. All willing to help and point you in the right direction if needed. I was a bit nervous at first but I got through it.

I’m not sure if it’s that or something else but my anxiety is starting up again at the moment. But, I haven’t had a breakdown yet which is awesome. I’ve managed to calm myself down with a little help from reiki, Karuna, and spirit.

The past 24 hours I’ve been flying. I’ve done loads of work for the local branch of the MS society. All pretty simple stuff but I’ve done it.

I haven’t really done much else recently other than knit. There’s nothing wrong with that though it keeps be busy and out of mischief.

Love and Light

So been an interesting week. I’ve been learning to knit, I finished my blanket and a few other things.

Today is 12 months to the day I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It’s been an interesting year. There have been ups and down as you’d expected. Yeah be lost the ability to walk properly without a stick. If I have to go any distance I have to use a wheel chair. I’ve had well have issues with emotions. I get sensory overload at times and lots of confusion. Anxiety is in there too. Oh, and I forgot to mention the pain.

I’ve lost touch with some people and had to cut others out. Some people just don’t understand me or what’s going on. One day I can be fine(ish) and others and don’t want to get out of bed. There have been plenty of lessons I’ve had to learn, some have had to be battered in with a sledgehammer. I’ve learn a lot about myself and had to listen to my body and what it wants.

Anyway, don’t want to dwell on the crap and the past. I’ve learnt new things and met some new amazing people. I’m helping the local branch of the MS Society with some technical stuff and that’s been fun. I’ve done a lot of work with my spiritual side, been doing lots of readings and helping lots of people with that. I like helping people. I’ve also made lots of new friends on Facebook. People I’ve never met face to face but they’ve been great. I’ve also started working with crystals again, so my collection has come out of hiding and is being added to.

Recently I’ve been having issues with anxiety again. Problem here is I don’t know what’s been setting it off. So it’s been hard to fix the problem that’s been causing it. I’ve just had to calm down.

The pain is utter pants. And it’s no longer just in my legs. It comes and goes what it wants and can be anywhere. Yes I’m on a silly amount of pills and I Fred to think what things would be like with out them. It’s not very fun having a messed up brain.

Back to this week.

I haven’t really done much. I finished the blanket I was making. I decided it was big enough and didn’t want to do anything else to it. I’ve also spent my time learning how to knit. Only been doing small things so far like little strips. That’s just to practice. I’m thinking I may practice some more and make a scarf. They look pretty simple to do. It’s just one stitch again and again and again so not much work but at least it’s practice. My sister has said she wants lots of baby hats making with different coloured bobbles. That so they can see which baby needs the most help. As it’s for a good cause I said I’d give it a go. So one Sunday coming up I’m going to go to a local knitting group to figure out how to do it and what I need to do. I’m a bit nervous about that, the usual things, will they like me? Will they tell me to go away? Will they not help? Will they tell me to stop and not do anymore? So yeah the usual things really. Well they are for someone with anxiety anyway.

Today I watched the hitchhikers guid to the galaxy. That’s where the so long and thanks for all the fish comes from. That song from the film just makes me chuckle. I think it’s a good way to look at things too. For those that don’t know I hate fish so I look at the song as good bye to all the rubbish and crap that happens and thanks for the lessons it’s taught me. So great way to look at things.

I’ll get back to knitting my scarf now and hope that works. Anyway if you need anything or want to chat or what ever just give me a shout. I do most of my communication by message now as I have issues talking at times (some may think it’s a good thing as I might have talked too much in the past).

Have fun doing what ever you’re doing.

Love and light.

Here’s my blanket of you haven’t seen it:

Well not sure if you have or haven’t seen what I’ve been up to recently on Facebook, I’ve been learning new things this week. I’ve learnt how to finger knit. I made a scarf for my mum. She liked it.

The latest thing is crochet. I’ve learned how to do. All from the powers of you tube. I’ve made 2 granny squares and my mum has challenged me to make a blanket. So I’m making another granny square but it’s going to be massive.

That’s the first one I made and I’m really proud of myself for doing it.

The whole thing started from a video I saw on Facebook last week. It showed lots of different knitting type things. It had making friendship bracelets, Pom Pom rugs, finger knitting and stuff like that. So got a couple of balls of wool and took it from there.

Sunday I decided to try crochet. I got my mum to take me to a craft shop to buy some hooks. Got a couple more balls of wool some plastic needles and of course the crochet hooks. They came in a set and were all brightly coloured which is always fun.

I decided I needed something to do, something that would fill up time. Most of my down time I’m sat working on my blanket. I have no idea how big it’s going to be or how long it’s going to take but I’m doing it still the same.

Learning new things is important. Not just to me but should be important to everyone. If we didn’t learn anything new we’d all still be living in caves and grunting at each other.

The journey we call life is full of lessons. We have to learn them and accept them before we can move forward. Try learning a new skill or ability. There are so many different ways to do this. Talk to friends or family, go to a group, talk to strangers. There are so many people out there who are willing to give up some time to teach. You can even use YouTube. Again there’s a hell of a lot on there on millions of different subjects. I’m not just talking about academics here. There are things like making sugar flowers, crochet and how to set up a spreadsheet. There will even be things on there about spiritual things.

Just learn new things, it can be fun and help with different parts of your life.

If you want to learn to crochet a granny square here is the video I used:

https://youtu.be/Mk0IgtGalu0

All the best learning your new skills.

Love and light.

I know it’s been like forever since I last posted but quite a bit has been going on. I’ve had a holiday. First time in a long time I’ve been away from home for something that isn’t dance related.

Yes I know I can’t dance anymore and haven’t now for well over 12 months. But I do like to see the friends I made while I did dance.

Anyway, Holiday. So I spent the week on a boat. Something I haven’t done for an absolute age. I grew up around boats, my dad used to sail dinghies and at one point used to make sails. My parents part own a catamaran with some of their friends. We used to have a family holiday on it every year.

There is a picture of the boat. It’s called

There are so many good memories of times spent onboard. I’ve done so many things over the years, everything from swimming with Basking Sharks, having dolphins swimming alongside to travelling to different places.

This time though we didn’t really do much sailing because we had no idea how I was going to be with all my health issues and the fact it’s been about 13 years since I’d been onboard. So we only had a trip round Plymouth sound and up the Yealm river. It was great though just to be away from home and being somewhere different.

I did get some nice pictures though:

I thought they were pretty good even if you don’t.

During the time away I still had the usual pain and dizziness but there isn’t much I can do about it so just have to put up with it.

I also did some psychic work while I was there for the keystone crystals Facebook group. That was fun.

A couple more pictures from my time away

I thought the picture of the archway May appeal to some of my American friends and it’s the steps where the Mayflower left England for the new world.

I got to see some friends while we were away to. They used to live round the corner from me but moved to Plymouth years ago. I haven’t seen them for years. But I got to meet up with Matthew and we had a good chat.

That’s about it really, there is probably loads of other things too but can’t think of them at the moment. That’s the other thing, confusion and brain fog. They’ve been an absolute bar steward over the past few weeks as well.

Anyway, love and light.

So what to say about the last few days.

Lots of pain and a general feeling of uncomfortableness. So Saturday my mum and dad came home. It was great to have them back. More people in the house to talk to.

Saturday night watched a live Crystal feed from Keystone crystals. That’s always fun for some laughs, it’s just a great time to get some new crystals and chat with some other crazy people like me. The other people who watch the lives are so funny and friendly.

Sunday, mainly a lazy day with nothing really to report.

Monday, dragged my lazy ass out of bed to get up washed and dressed to go for an appointment in town. When I was ready I sat down in the living room and then the phone rang. The guy I was having the appointment with called to say he was double booked and needed to change my appointment. So I was a little miffed with that, I could have had another lazy day but hey ho.

Tuesday, went to see the new Mama Mia film with my mum and sister. I decided to walk into the cinema as the disabled seats are crap and on the front row. It was the furthest I’ve walked in quite a while. I won’t be doing that again. It hurt like hell. So lots of pain because of the walking and the stairs. The anxiety wasn’t great either because of lots of people. I got through it though. The film wasn’t bad though. I think everyone enjoyed it. At the end my sister started talking to one of her friends that works at the cinema. I was struggling at this point. I found it difficult to stand up while they were chatting so went to sit down. They seemed to be taking forever so then said I was going outside for a smoke. The pain was building too. So I was sat on a wall outside having a smoke. I felt like a bit like a teenager again. Sat down the pain was building and so was the anxiety, sitting outside on a wall late at night can do that. After what felt like a week my mum and sister finally came out. I then realised I hadn’t had my nighttime pills. Only 2 hours late so no major issue. As I didn’t have a drink to take them with my sister went back in to get a bottle of water. Had my pills and Dad arrived to take us home.

Wednesday.

Had to get up early to go for the appointment that was moved from Monday. Had that then went home. Decided I was gonna do a random card for the KeyStone group and the same card came out as one I’ve done earlier. Yes the meaning may change for each reading but I was feeling the same info coming through so thought no point in posting about it. Wednesday evening. Time for another Facebook live from Keystone. Again great laugh with everyone.

Thursday. Yet another early morning but this time was for a hospital trip. Another one of my monthly blood tests. Had to wait around for a bit for a really quick chat with the ms nurse. My mum wanted to do it I just wanted to go home. Got home had some breakfast watched tv for a bit and then went for an afternoon nap. Woke up watched more tv. Did a little bit of reading about mindfulness. It’s something my counsellor is doing with me. And then I decided to do this post.

There have been other things I’ve been doing this week like crystal write ups, taking pictures of crystals and using that hair wax stuff that changed the colour of your hair. I got the green, blue and silver. Silver looks ok and so does the blue but the green just made my scalp look mouldy. Oh and just remembered that me and my mum cleaned my room too and started moving my crystals back upstairs.

That’s about it. Nothing exciting really happened this week.

Love and Light.

Well what an awesome weekend and I haven’t left the house for most of it.

Let’s start on Friday. Had a quick trip into bury with my sister and nephew. Something I bought on Thursday broke so I had to change it. No major issues. The people in the shop are great and sorted it with no problems.

After that time was getting a little tight for my sister and nephew to get to what they were going to do. So I said just take me and my car then you don’t have to worry about getting me home until later. So off we went. They were going to something in Trafford park called inflation nation. Basically it’s a massive warehouse filled with bouncy castle type things. It like one giant bouncy castle that has slide in it and everything. Even adults are allowed to go on it. So my sister and nephew had an hour of mental activity there. I just sat in my wheel chair rolling in and out of the building to go for a smoke. I know my nephew really enjoyed himself. I think my sister did too. I also had fun because I got to have a blue shlushie. Fronzen sugar, E numbers, how could you go wrong.

I said earlier that I know my nephew enjoyed it as he spent the rest of the trip back moaning that he couldn’t go in again after his hour was up. It took nearly an hour to get back as the traffic was starting to build for rush hour. We just had music blaring so a good time was had by all in the car.

When I got home had some time to chill and relax and have some tea. I decided during this time that I was going to do something a little crazy for me. Something I have never done before and something I’ve never heard any one else do. I decide later on in the evening I was going to open the door and see who wanted to chat from a spirit point of view. I would then post the messages on to Facebook. I decided I was going to do this on a Facebook group I’ve been a member of for a couple of weeks.

I asked permission first before doing anything to make sure they didn’t mind. I was being a good boy. so it was going to be a bit of a mediumship demonstration but by Facebook posts rather than face to face. I told people they don’t have to beg for a message be sending me their name or anything. I said it was up to the spirit work and who came through. I wasn’t going to pick anyone from this side, it was all up to spirit. This seemed to get quite a lot of interest from different members of the group. I should say that it’s a crystal group on Facebook so most people in it are open to spiritual things.

The group is called KeyStone Crystals. It’s run by two really nice people Hannah and Carl. And there are so many nice people that are members. So during the night/session it lasted about 2 hours. I managed to give about 8 messages. All were accepted by different people. That in its self was a massive confidence boost. I also told everyone that was following the feed that if I have named someone but the description and info ticks the boxes for you that they could take the message to. Spirit work in mysterious ways and will send a couple of messages at the same time if they can.

After that session I was contacted by Hannah to ask how it went. I said it went amazingly well with a really good reception from everyone. She then said I can do anything like that, or card reading or Crystal picks (suggesting a crystal people need to work with) for people when ever I want. So another great feeling. So I spent the rest of Friday night absolutely buzzing. I feel in a way I have become the resident psychic for the group. So I decided Friday was freaky Friday, because of the psychic stuff (not body swapping like the film) so it may well become a regular thing.

The rest of the weekend I haven’t left the house, I’ve just been buzzing and slobing about. Another good thing is that my mum and dad came home on Saturday. They’ve been away for the week. So now I can go back to relying on them for things and not other people.

Anyway. Love and light.