Why is anxiety such a bastard?

Been feeling off for over a week now. It started with fireworks. I hate them and I don’t think they are safe for people, especially kids, to have. I signed a petition earlier in the week to get them banned for sale to the general public. Heres hoping that something comes from that. I’m just glad things have calmed down with them now.

Having to wear ear plugs when you go out, what’s that all about? I’m sure other people don’t have to.

The other thing is I think and feel that fireworks affect and change the normal energy that floats about. I don’t think it changes it for the better. It sends it all off and makes everything feel wrong. It’s like something bad is gonna happen. I don’t think the anxiety helps with that. If anything it makes it worse.

Today’s issue with anxiety comes from an appointment I have at the hospital tomorrow. It’s with the neurologist. I’m not looking forward to it and I’m scared he’ll tell me off. He did last time. He told me off for being in my wheelchair. My mum and dad said that if I’m in pain tomorrow I can use it. I’m not sure if I will or not, even if I am in pain. I’m sure they aren’t supposed to make you feel bad. I think it’s an in written rule or something, not sure though. Part of me thinks that if I am in my chair and he tries anything tomorrow I’ll just tell him to piss off. Not sure that will happen though. I just hope the anxiety does take my voice. I hate it when that happens.

I know what I want to say but can’t get the words out. I struggle to say anything. Most of the time I have to force words out. That’s if I can get them out.

Have to say though using this blog has become a bit of a life saver though. Just being able to say how I feel and what’s going on, sometimes it’s boring crap, sometimes it’s amazing. Other times I just talk about knitting or crochet.

Speaking of crochet I’ve made a snood for myself. That was quick and fun. And I used up some of the wool I’ve had for a while. At the moment I’m working on a blanket for my mum. It’s different from the last one I did. I started it the same but then today I decided to unravel it and start again. This one is going to be massive. Only done a couple of rows so far but it’s growing.

I’m feeling a bit better now after talking about my issues. Thank you.

Here’s hoping things aren’t as bad as I’m expecting tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Love and light all.