Author: Humbug

well I know it’s been a long time since I put anything up but here we go.  Well I’ll start with what I’ve been up to today.

Its been a busy one. Spent a lot of time in the garden doing little jobs. It’s been nice to spend time outside. The weather could have been better but hey ho. The good weather is supposed to start tomorrow.

My nasturtiums are finally coming through, it’s taken them a while. My lettuces are coming on nicely. I planneted some more today so that means there should be another crop a few weeks later.

The marigolds I planted aren’t doing much. Just looks like a tray of soil. But suppose that’s what they are really when you think about it. I dismantled the fruit cage I built a couple of years ago. It had started to fall down anyway. Had to get my dad to help with that. I’ve also realised I need another compost bin. The ones I have at the moment are all full. Need somewhere to put the used would so it can have a break and a bit of a recharge.

having a trip out tomorrow with mum and dad. We’re going to go to ikea. Should be entertaining at least. Friday I’m going to a mind and body show in Manchester. I’m looking forward to that. It should be a good day.

Saturday night just gone I was at a temple spa party that my sister hosted. There were some very nice products. I did order a few I must admit. They should come soon. Just another excuse to pamper myself.

anyway, really short and sweet one today. Love and light.

I hate not feeling right! At least tonight though there is a reason behind it. I was in pain earlier so had to have some painkillers. Issue is the only pain killer that seems to help at the moment is tramadol. Ibuprofen and paracetamol don’t touch it but I’m taking them regularly anyway. So I had a tramadol at about 6:30. I’ve felt spaced out and drunk for most of the evening. It’s such a strange feeling. I don’t feel fully her if that makes sense. A bit like I’ve had too much to drink without the drinking. I know why people get addicted to these pills though. It’s simply just by following the doctors orders. Take them often enough your body relies on them so when you stop your body is missing something so gives you withdrawal symptoms to tell you to take more. I know, I’ve been there.

I know it’s not all down to that. There will be some people who like the lack of feeling.They enjoy feeling numb. Their choice, just says to me though that they need help.

I had another sleepless night last night. Not happened for a while. Being awake all night is so boring. TV goes rubbish or you can’t find anything decent to watch. When it happens I find myself watching YouTube videos or playing games on my phone.

I have had a few things going on though over the past couple of days. Had my hair done yesterday. Finally after what feels like forever my roots have been done. I’m still purple. I finally like the colour lol. It’s out there but not too out there if that makes any sense at all.

About 10pm last night though I decided I was hungry. Nothing new there. I’m always bloody hungry. I had the amazingly bright idea to make cornedbeef hash. God know why I get these ideas. I thought I wanted something proper not just a bag of crisps or something like that. So I started cooking. After a few eventful trips round the kitchen. Sitting on the floor, going flying when trying to get up. Being told off by my dad for trying to do it on my own. I didn’t burn myself though or cut off a finger which is good I suppose. It would have given me something else to do though if something like that happened. Lol.

I’ve also been watching some dvds yesterday and today. Yesterday I watched why’d sisters. It’s a cartoon based on a book by Terry Pratchett. I love the story, it’s basically a rip off of the Scottish play but done from the witches point of view. I love the witches or wyrd sisters. Esmeralda Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg and Magrat Garlick. They are ace. One of my favourite lines from the book and the film is from Granny Weatherwax when she says “things that try and look like things often do look more like things than things”. It’s one of those things that sticks in my head and seems to ring true. Today another discworld cartoon, Soul Music. It’s the first appearance of Susan. Death’s granddaughter. It’s also about music with rocks in.

If you ever get chance either read or listen to the Pratchett discworld books. I love em. It’s a great way to escape the day to day tedium.

At the moment though I’m watching one of my favourite ever films, Time Bandits. I love it, another great escape. I’m not going to talk about it I’d just say go watch it. It’s great.

I have an appointment with the MS nurses tomorrow. I’ve also got to have one of my monthly blood tests. Yeah get up early and get stabbed in the arm. I really do hate blood tests, but hey ho, I have to do it and I knew that’s what had to happen when I decided on Lemtrada.

Last night I nearly applied for a job as a trustee of the ms society. After reading the job description I thought, yeah I can do that or I’d like to do that. Then as I was filling in forms and stuff and talking about my disability and the things I have issues doing I though maybe it wasn’t the right thing. At the moment I don’t like meeting people I don’t know and sometimes have issues talking and thinking. From that I decided I would have real issues. I know more now than I used to but it’s not right to put myself through extra stress if I don’t need it. I wouldn’t be able to cope. Everything I’d have to do if I got the job I struggle with or can’t do anymore so, there you go. Why run before I can walk and all that.

Anyway, time to get back to Time Bandits. I’ll leave you all to it and see you soon. Good night and Love and Light.

It seems sad to say it but that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. Almost as if I could be in a room full of people and feel alone. I can’t really say I like feeling this way, comedy programs on tv help a little. They take my mind of what’s going on and help me focus on something good.

It gets depressing when most of your contact with the outside world is through your phone. Facebook can be interesting but when you see how much fun people are having with out you makes you think so I make a difference? Do I bring something to their lives? These are questions I’ll never know the answers to. There are many more but hey. I’m not a philosopher or anything. I’d need to go really deep and profound to do that and at the moment I just can’t really be bothered.

I need to find a new hobby and some new friends. It can be really hard doing that. I have the development group but that’s only once ever other week. So not often enough to spend a lot of time on. If that makes any sense. Most of the other things I do, I do on my own. Gardening for example isn’t exactly a group activity. Making flowers out of icing isn’t a group thing either. I think it’s contact with other people I miss. It’s isn’t necessarily the activity.

My parents are great, it’s nice spending time with them both. Issue with that is it’s the Easter holidays from school so my mum is babysitting most days so only get to see and spend time with her in the evenings. My dad is home most days so can spend time with him. I just need to find something we can both do that interests each of us. It can be hard finding interests. I think I need to look inside myself to find something.

I’m nervous too about meeting new people and making new friends. I know I have lots of them from all over the world. It’s just pretty pants when you’re only contact with them is through Facebook. It’s not like you can just nip round for a brew and a chat or anything. That’s the other thing, most of the close friends I have aren’t exactly close. They’re dotted all over the UK. Some in Scotland some in stoke and a couple in Liverpool. Again not like you can just pop round for a put the world to rights session. Only way I can do that is by message again through my phone.

Watching star wars with my parents as I’m writing this. Luke Skywalker is giving a lesson on using the force. I know it’s made up but a lot of the what he says makes sense. “ The force is strong with this one”. I think most of us should try and live with the way of the force. It makes a lot more sense to me than most mainstream religions.

I was having a conversation earlier with one of my friends that’s just been away on a dance weekend. I was saying how I don’t miss it really I just miss the people. In a way I’m glad to be away from it all. I don’t have to put up with any of the bitching or any of the drama. That in its self is a good thing. My friend did have a good weekend by the way if you are interested.

It does seem silly though how relieving writing this blog is. I am quite shocked with myself though putting some of my deepest and darkest secrets on here. But, it is one of the best ways to work through the issues I’m going through. It’s also a really helpful way to do things. I really do have to thanks to Lucy for suggesting it. Thank you dear friend.

Count your blessings people they will help you. It makes you realise the good things you have. It can be hard to remember sometimes. But they are there. Find the smallest spark of light in the darkness and make it grow. It’s the only way to dispel the negativity that seems to shun out so much in this world.

And I think, no I know I am worth it.

Love and light to you all and I really mean that.

What have I done? Sweet Jesus what have I done? I know it’s a line from a song but it’s the way I’m feeling at the moment. People don’t seem to want to reply to my messages. I’m feeling all cut off and lonely at the moment. Whether people are too busy or what I don’t know. It just feels hard that it always seem to be me that makes the effort. Seems that way with most people. It’s always me making the first move.

I’m sat here wracking my brain trying to think if I’ve done anything to upset people. I don’t think I have but feeling like I must have or they would message me or reply to the messages I’ve sent. It’s strange how my mind always seems to look at these things in the negative way. I am trying to be a lot more positive but it’s hard at times. Especially when I’m feeling the way I am at the moment. What tops it off is that a friend messaged me earlier asking how I was. I replied saying not to bad but feeling lonely and cut off today. I didn’t even get a reply. I know that person is probably busy doing something else but the great mind I have is going they hate you, they don’t like you, they wish you weren’t here messaging them.

It’s hard when this happens. Trying to break yourself out of it when your mind is like that. What to try. I know I’ve tried a few different, but nothing seems to be working. Funny programs have helped a bit but not fully. The feeling is still there. What else can I try? Is there a magic solution to the problem? I guess this applies to a lot of things and a lot of people. I know through sheer determination I will not go back to that very dark place. I need to find the light again.

Finding the Light. From a spiritual point of view, light dispels all darkness and there is the smallest bit of light to be found in any darkness. I suppose I just have to find the light in this situation and make it grow. Kindle the flame and help it burn. That’s the only way to do it. Taking a step back and looking at things in a different way is a good place to start.

I know typing these messages helps a lot. Not really sure if anyone reads them or not. But getting things out there seems to be a good healthy way to deal with things. Going through them and out the other side. The other side, it’s a good place to be.

I just hope people find their way through the darkness that they are dealing with. Please talk to friends or relatives or just anyone that will listen. That can be a good place to get help.just typing this has made me feel so much better. It’s like I said, taking the step back is a great way to look at things. I know it’s a bit of a rant. I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me or anything like that I need to learn how to deal with these things on my own. I know this is a great place to start.

Anyway, as always Love and light.

Well had an expensive but good day today. I bought a new tv. The saying goes “go big or go home”. I did both. The new tv is 55 inch LED ultra HD. Oh my god, I love it, it’s amazing. The picture on an ultra HD film is amazing. It’s so clear, you wouldn’t believe it. It almost looks 3D without the glasses or anything. It was quite expensive but I’ve not had to sell my soul or anything so a good day in all.

So after setting it up and stuff all I’ve done is watch TV. Yep I’ve been lazy. It’s been great. It’s been better than sleeping all day. I also got some remote control plugs so don’t have to trek round the room turning things off. I just flick some buttons.

Not really had any weird feelings today which has been good. I’ve not had to figure out what’s been going on. We have little white boards at home now to remind me of what’s going on. That’s been really useful. There is less chance of me getting scared and worried if I wake up and no one is there. I just check the boards and then know where people are and what’s going on. Whether my mum is baby sitting or my dad is shopping I know. One less stress for me. The less stress the better. It’s bad to say it but I can’t cope if I don’t know what’s going on. I hate being confused, it’s crap. It happens too often.

Well I know I have a development group on Friday evening. That will be fun, I like the group. I have another blood test next week sometime, the joys of being stabbed. Getting my hair done again, time to get rid of the roots and get the sides shaved. Happy I know this cos it’s all on the boards.

Anyway Love and light.

I don’t really know what to write about today. I’ve had an odd couple of days. It’s been a strange bank holiday weekend.

Bank holiday Monday I went to the cinema with my mum and dad. We went to see Ready Player One. I was excited to see this film cos I thought the book was really good. It’s set in the future in a world that’s run around a computer program called The Oasis. The sad thing is it’s how the world will turn out if we aren’t careful. Everything is done within this program, work, school everything. I thought the film was good even though it wasn’t an exact rendition of the book. I understand why they did things the way they did with the film they wouldn’t have been able to fit everything from the book in.

I think though it would have done better if it was more on the geeky side like the book. I really would recommend reading the book or if you’re lazy or like me and struggle to read I’d get the audio book. Audible is awesome and audio books are great. It’s like someone else reading the story to you. In fact I’m tempted to go through the book again.

If you like geeky things you’ll love the story. It’s not high tech or anything like that but covers all sorts of classic culty things. It covers everything from monty python to old style games like pac man. It just fit my humour, it’s great.

anyway don’t have much to report from today as I haven’t really done anything other than sleep. I’m so tired at the moment it seems hard doing anything.

I have been getting some weird feelings though over the past few days. I had a moment the other day where I forgot who my dad was and got scared and worried. So glad it only lasted a few minutes though. I hate when things like that happen. Just get really confused about everything. The confusion has been happening quite a bit recently and haven’t been able to tie it with anything specific.

I think I need to learn about emotions again and figure out what is what. I know when I’m happy but anything else confuses me. It’s pants when you feel something and you have know idea what it is. It’s hard to talk about it with other people as the feelings are so hard to describe. When it happens all I know is that I dam not feel right. It can be quite scary at times and the fact that it can lead to fear and worry in itself.

As I’m struggling to come up with ideas what to write about please give me some suggestions  either leave a comment or use the contact form.

Than you for reading. Love and light.

well today has been the day to use the sourdough starter I started about 2 weeks ago. I decided to follow a river cottage recipe. It worked well. Ido have to be honest though I did start the process last night though. Here’s the link to the recipe if you’re interested:

https://www.lifestylefood.com.au/recipes/18604/river-cottage-sourdough

It worked really well. I’ll put some pictures at the end to show how it’s gone. I’m impressed with my little self. I would recommend reducing the recipe though. It has made 3 decent sized loaves.

I did cheat slightly though. I did use my mixer for the initial kneading. That’s mainly cos it would have  made me completely shattered if I didn’t. And then I wouldn’t have been fit for anything.

We didn’t manage to wait for all of the loaves to be cooked though. We had to taste one to see if it was worth the work. IT WAS. One of the best homemade breads I have ever tasted. It does seem to have been a long day in the kitchen though. I have been in there most of the day so far. There has been the odd break though while the proving was happening.

Anyway here are the pictures:

Love and light to you all.

After a conversation with one of my friends this evening it turns out that it’s right. People just don’t get it. MS that is. It’s one of those things. When you have a conversation with someone else with ms it’s like filling in a bingo card. You end up talking about symptoms and saying yeah had that. Or, not had that. It’s annoying. MS is different for everyone. There is no set path that this shitter of a disease takes. Everyone is affected differently.

People just don’t understand what others are going through. That fits for other things too.
Here are some pictures that talk about some of the symptoms we have to deal with:

I know I’ve shared these on Facebook before but after the conversation I had with my friend John (there’s your mention) I thought I should share them again:

When someone says to you that they’ve had a bad day you almost want to rip there head off. Have you learnt to walk again? Have you been able to control your bowels and bladder? Have you had to be pumped full of poison to kill your immune system? Are you able to get out of bed every morning? Can you get about with no issues? Can you control your emotions? Can you get through a day without a nap? Can you get to sleep or sleep all night?

I know everyone has their own problems and that’s life but I think and feel that everyone needs to be considerate of other people. When you’re having a bad day think about it. Can you do all of these things with no issues? If you can, is it really that bad? I would never tell anyone to “pull themself together”, it’s one of the worst things anyone can ever say. For a lot of people they can’t, that’s the problem. Please just think about it. Be nice to everyone. Life is short.

Just to point out. Changing your diet does not fix the problem. Just cos your mums friend has it and she can run and jump doesn’t mean we all can. Everyone with it is different. There is no cure for it. The doctors and nurses don’t even know what causes it. I think it must be something in our genes. It just happens.

We all have to play the cards we are dealt with. It’s just one of those things. Just remember every day can be a struggle. Not just for people with MS, but for everyone. Life can be a struggle please please please be nice to people. You don’t know what they are going through. I know this doesn’t apply to everyone but I just wanted to raise awareness about this disease.

Well for a start you’ll notice the new look on the site and the fact that its a completely new one to.

Yes I have changed the website completely. Hopefully now though the site will look and work better. Well fingers crossed anyway. There are a couple of new pages and other bits to.

There have been a couple off issues though. the first host i went with decided to not let me connect to the builder site through my internet service provider. It’s not easy trying to build a website through your phone. I won’t be going near them again for website building. Lesson Learned.

So over the past few days I’ve mainly been getting stressed out trying to sort the whole thing out. Its had me panicking and huffing and puffing. In a way though I’m glad its all done and dusted now though. Well mostly anyway. I still have a few more things to do. I’ll get them sorted though. I will, I’m determined.

So let me know what you thing of the site. If you have any hints and tips let me know.

Very short and sweet one today but Love and Light and big up ya’ bad self.