It seems sad to say it but that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. Almost as if I could be in a room full of people and feel alone. I can’t really say I like feeling this way, comedy programs on tv help a little. They take my mind of what’s going on and help me focus on something good.

It gets depressing when most of your contact with the outside world is through your phone. Facebook can be interesting but when you see how much fun people are having with out you makes you think so I make a difference? Do I bring something to their lives? These are questions I’ll never know the answers to. There are many more but hey. I’m not a philosopher or anything. I’d need to go really deep and profound to do that and at the moment I just can’t really be bothered.

I need to find a new hobby and some new friends. It can be really hard doing that. I have the development group but that’s only once ever other week. So not often enough to spend a lot of time on. If that makes any sense. Most of the other things I do, I do on my own. Gardening for example isn’t exactly a group activity. Making flowers out of icing isn’t a group thing either. I think it’s contact with other people I miss. It’s isn’t necessarily the activity.

My parents are great, it’s nice spending time with them both. Issue with that is it’s the Easter holidays from school so my mum is babysitting most days so only get to see and spend time with her in the evenings. My dad is home most days so can spend time with him. I just need to find something we can both do that interests each of us. It can be hard finding interests. I think I need to look inside myself to find something.

I’m nervous too about meeting new people and making new friends. I know I have lots of them from all over the world. It’s just pretty pants when you’re only contact with them is through Facebook. It’s not like you can just nip round for a brew and a chat or anything. That’s the other thing, most of the close friends I have aren’t exactly close. They’re dotted all over the UK. Some in Scotland some in stoke and a couple in Liverpool. Again not like you can just pop round for a put the world to rights session. Only way I can do that is by message again through my phone.

Watching star wars with my parents as I’m writing this. Luke Skywalker is giving a lesson on using the force. I know it’s made up but a lot of the what he says makes sense. “ The force is strong with this one”. I think most of us should try and live with the way of the force. It makes a lot more sense to me than most mainstream religions.

I was having a conversation earlier with one of my friends that’s just been away on a dance weekend. I was saying how I don’t miss it really I just miss the people. In a way I’m glad to be away from it all. I don’t have to put up with any of the bitching or any of the drama. That in its self is a good thing. My friend did have a good weekend by the way if you are interested.

It does seem silly though how relieving writing this blog is. I am quite shocked with myself though putting some of my deepest and darkest secrets on here. But, it is one of the best ways to work through the issues I’m going through. It’s also a really helpful way to do things. I really do have to thanks to Lucy for suggesting it. Thank you dear friend.

Count your blessings people they will help you. It makes you realise the good things you have. It can be hard to remember sometimes. But they are there. Find the smallest spark of light in the darkness and make it grow. It’s the only way to dispel the negativity that seems to shun out so much in this world.

And I think, no I know I am worth it.

Love and light to you all and I really mean that.