Do you ever run through arguments, debates or discussions in your mind?
If it’s one that happened in the past I tend to do the what if thing. I should’ve said this,or I should’ve done that.
But I have a habit of running through arguments that haven’t happened yet or may never happen. It’s like I’m preparing responses and things to come back with if someone says something in particular. While I’m running through the arguments though I find myself getting more and more worked up.
So I’m there getting more and more annoyed thinking of responses to use in arguments that might never happen. It’s annoying and tiring and cans lead to mental exhaustion, brain farts and brain fog.
The thing is it’s not like I go looking to join these arguments/discussions. In my head I’m just getting ready if one of these conversations happens around me.
There’s probably a lot more I want to say about that but it isn’t coming out of my head at the moment so I’ll have to leave that there.
Last week I had an awful night at church which really knocked my confidence and made me want to question everything. The medium that was booked for the night cancelled at 6:55 pm when the service was due to start at 7:30. So not much notice to sort out someone else. Dawn messaged Tracy to get her to come down and take the service but she wouldn’t be there for half past. So I said I’ll start things off and she can come and take over or we can work it together or that we’d figure it out when she gets there. So the service started just like any other with a hymn and an opening prayer. The opening prayer didn’t work that well because there was one or two places I started tripping up over my words but I got through it. Did the healing book and that bit then it came time for the demonstration.
Up I get to start working and giving the first message. I did a bit of talk saying it was my first Tuesday service doing the medium thing and stuff like that.
I picked up someone coming through and started giving the information and the person I felt the message was for just kept giving me blank looks. While I was talking Tracy arrived so I carried on but still kept getting blank stares. While I was giving the message and getting the blank looks I heard someone say something that was pretty uncalled for basically they said that I was crap. A massive knock to the confidence just hearing that comment but closed off that message and handed over to Tracy to carry on. I sat down in my little corner feeling crap. I normally have a pad of post it’s where I sit and just wrote down “never again”.
Occasionally through the service Tracy asked if I had anything or if I was getting anything but because of the knock and feeling crap I just said “no”. There was probably someone about in spirit that wanted to put something across but at the time all my focus was on staying where I was, not running out of the room and not having a complete and utter breakdown. So while that was going on I wasn’t really focused on what spirit around me where up to.
While I was sat there trying to hold it together I started getting lost in tangling on the post it’s. It helped me escape all the shit that was running g round my head. So thanks to that I held it together during the service. Everyone buggered off and that left Tracy and Dawn talking to me. That’s where the breakdown happened. They both said some really nice things and they said they knew I could do it but because it was sprung on me at the last minute I wasn’t ready and properly prepared.
Thinking about it they were right. I wasn’t prepared or ready for the service. A good way to think about it is it was like trying to stream a film on the old dial up system. You know the one where it would have taken about 3 or more days just to download 1 song.
But the things they said made me feel loads better. But my confidence was still battered and bruised and had 10 tones of shit kicked out of it. That really showed when I was working on something the next day when I was questioning everything and found it insanely hard to make any decisions. Should I use this colour, or that pen? Does this shape look right? Should I stop this and start again? It was hard and made me feel even worse when I kept having to ask people question about things. Because I kept needing confirmation on my choices or my ideas I felt bad, but then I felt bad having to pester people for their thoughts. Which then made me worried that people would think I’m annoying and not want to talk to me anymore. One of those shit vortex things where 1 thought leads to another then onto another which then make you question the first one which brings up more questions and uncertainty. You could say it’s heading down the rabbit hole to a world where everything and everyone is completely fucked up.
But getting that off my chest has made me feel a million times better but I’m still rebuilding my confidence. But now I’ve said that I’m a bit worried that people will think less of me for feeling the way I do. But as I’m determined to be open and honest on here I’ll leave it there and let whatever happens happen.
That was the biggest thing that happened to me over the past few weeks.
Tangle time. These are the tile I’ve done over the past couple of weeks:
Back in January the tile swap started up again and the tile I received is pretty cool:
The tile came from Susan Moran. It came in the little white card. That was cute and the tile is even cuter. The monkey looks really cheeky and it’s just fun and brings a smile to your face when you see it. and I haven’t seen who got my tile but may have missed it but here is a picture of the tile O sent in:
And of course there was a letter that had to go with it and here’s a copy so you can read it for yourself:
Over the past couple of weeks I’ve also been having a play with some shrink plastic. A couple of weeks ago I say a comment on Facebook of someone asking if you could tangle on it. So to test the idea yes you can. Here is a picture of a tile on string plastic. The pictures show before and after shrinking:
Also while playing I made a sort of bookmark to use in my diary to mark which page I’m on at the moment.:
The pictures should give you an idea of how it works and you can also see that it’s been tangled on too.
I’ve also been doing the odd bit tangling on a note pad and random times too:
So I’ve been working on the tangled quilt and I’ve done 5 blocks so far. We’ve been using Sandra’s Mini Stencil sets.:
The lotus isn’t included in the minis set it’s a separate stencil. I decided to to go with something else as the stencil being used for block 4 was a cross. As I’m not Christian I didn’t want to include a cross on my quilt. The lotus is a redo or a second attempt at block 4.
This was what I came up with on my first go:
It wasn’t too bad. Not brilliant but looked ok. It was the first block where I decided to add colour. That is where things went a little wrong and it ended up messed up. Well in my opinion anyway. This is what it looked like with some colour:
The colours hid the lines of the drawing so I needed to go over the lines again and you still can’t see them properly on the blue and green. So that piece was put to one side and the lotus took its place.
I’ve made 2 cards since the last post and here are some pictures of them
I’ve also been working on another card but I’m not quite sure the way the parchment bit of it has come out.
What do you think?
I did the background for something else but thought it would work well with the parchment.
Knitting wise I’m still working on my jumper. But I have been thinking about having a bit of a break from it and doing a unicorn toy for Lucy. The thing is I did say to myself that I wouldn’t do anything else until I’d finished my hoodie. Im still working on the back and have a bit Togo until the shaping starts. I do think though that I’ll only need to do 1 more pattern repeat before the shaping. I have been trying to do some work on it at home. Here is a picture of where I’m up to with it
I did come upstairs this evening to work on it but as I’ve been writing this on and off all day I thought I’d better get this finished first before that. I’m still tempted to buy the wool for the unicorn though. We’ll see what happens.
Ok, I’ll call it a day there. I’m off to plan out some more arguments and discussions and maybe do a bit of knitting.
Love and light.